THE MARRIAGE MIX

I am convinced that when we start looking for love, we can’t help but find it. So on Sundays, I share a recent story about where I have seen love at work in my community or my marriage.  You are invited to share where you have seen love working.

A few weeks ago I came home from a weekend hidden away with my sister and our cousin Betsy for our first adult girl’s weekend since the summer week-long slumber parties we spent at our house with bikinis and Caboodles.  When I got home, I saw a small package on my desk.  It was wrapped in the comic section from that morning’s paper.  And on top, written in big bold Sharpie Marker letters, “Welcome home Cara!  I missed you!”

To some this might seem par for the course.   A card or a small gift after a weekend away has become the norm.  To others it might even seem vulgar - wrapping a gift in the funny papers!  But to me, it was sweet, unexpected perfection!

The gift was the DVD of the film Slumdog Millionaire.  It is not unusual for Herb to eye something at Target or Costco that he knows I might really use or enjoy and then just toss it in the cart.  He is constantly thinking about me and what I might need or want.  But rarely is it presented as a wrapped gift.  It warmed my heart that he felt like taking a few extra minutes to turn an “I was thinking of you” gesture into a gift.  The comic papers, while a little bit of a funny choice to some (pun intended) were endearing to me, as I knew that is exactly how he had spent part of that morning.  It was totally Herb being Herb to use the funny papers.  In the past I might have been upset that it was not romantic enough - he did not realize that a real love gift was wrapped in beautiful paper, preferably something brand new and nothing in our collection of wrapping papers.  But love has been working its magic around here, changing my heart and my mind.   And I was happy to see Herb being himself and not the image of The Perfect Husband that he was begrudgingly wearing so as to avoid a fight later on about how unromantic his wrapping paper choice had been.  He felt comfortable being him.  Perhaps more miraculously, I felt comfortable with him being him.

Even still, this is not the part that felt like perfection.  It was those three words, “I missed you!”.  I turned to him.  “You missed me!  You have never said you missed me before when I returned from a trip!”  To some, especially to the men who read this, it is not surprising at all.  After all, I am the woman who just admitted that she is capable of getting bent out of shape over something like a gift wrapped in “unromantic paper”.   I would guess that this part is appalling to others; especially people who have never been married.  Those who are married, even if they have always been missed when they were away, can imagine what it might be like not to miss that person who has secret card key access to all of your hot buttons and soft, easily bruised places.  Instead, you might be able to imagine yourself, lovingly and dutifully driving them to the airport only to breath a deep sigh of relief when you see that not only did they just walk towards the departures sign, but they do not seem to be showing any sign of turning around and shoving themselves and all of their baggage back into your car!  It is not what any bride and groom set out for:  to not only be relieved but to be in desperate need of a break from each other, but for us it has been a part of our story.  A painful part, to be sure, but a part of our story nonetheless.

So, when I saw those words, “I missed you”, I was taken aback.  I knew they were not shared out of kindness or sensitivity.  He would not have written them down if he had not meant them.  He missed me.  I enjoyed reminding him of this for the next several hours.  And I fell asleep, tucked in by the knowledge that love had indeed been massaging our hearts, because he missed me and I was becoming the kind of woman he missed.

Where did you see love at play this week?

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week.  Looking for love in the world around us inspires us to look for love everywhere - especially in our marriages.  Leave your story in the comments section about how you saw love in action last week!  Or write about it on your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments section (and be sure to link your readers over here so they can see more stories about love in action!).

There is something about women in our culture who are selling their bodies for the sexual fulfillment of men that is confusing to me.  My experience says that as a women in the United States, I have so many other choices about how to use my body and how to earn money.  I did not grow up as a young girl in the Red Light District of India.  I do not have a heritage of sex trade.  And as a result, I have trouble conceptualizing how and why these choices are being made in a country that seems to provide so many other options for women.  Maybe cycles of poverty, abuse, and lack of options have not lent the same experience to some women in my country; in my city.   Maybe the idea of having a $100 bill tucked into your G-string does not feel like a problem when your alternative is standing on your feet at McDonald’s all day, for minimum wage.  I rarely feel judgement towards women who are strippers, escorts, or prostitutes; but I do feel sadness and regret.  I feel anger towards a culture that has come so far and yet has left these women in a position where dancing in front of a bunch of abusive men strung out on coke is even an option; let alone a good one.

Some feminists would say it is their choice and their right give lap dances and have sex for money.  And that when done willingly, it is even liberating and fulfilling.  To me, that just sounds like a modern day middle finger to all of the men who have scared them and abused them; now THEY get to be in charge.  Either scenario sounds, to me, filled with painful stories.  Well, I am not here to figure that out, but what I do know is that every time I drive by a small, windowless cinder block building that touts any variation of “LIVE*NUDE*GIRLS”, I become a very dangerous combination of sad and angry.  I want very badly to see those women released from what looks to me like a modern day, acceptable form of sexual slavery - women whose circumstances sort of pin them into a corner and leave them without a lot of other options.  I am sad for all of the girlhood dreams of becoming doctors, artists, and airplane pilots that were either never born or used as someone elses’ plaything, until they ceased to exist.

When my friend Kevin sent me  this link and video, I found myself, through tears, relieved to know that someone, somewhere has figured out how to take light and love into what seems to be a very dark place.  They set aside their judgements and agendas and desire to figure out this cultural catastrophe.   They decided to take only one personal value in with them - the value to love other women in ways that are tangible.  They are called Jesus Said Love, and they are doing just that. 

photo taken from chad wible’s blog

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week. If we are looking for love throughout the week, we will have more faith in the power of the love we share with our spouse.  Leave your story in the comments section about how you saw love in action last week!  Or write about it on your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments section (and be sure to link your readers over here so they can see more stories about love in action!).

Last Sunday, I received a text message from the tired twin sister of my friend Allison.  It was broken and cryptic.  Immediately, the phone calls began flying.  We were all trying to figure out what was happening with Allison.  We were not getting the answers we wanted, but we were clear on one thing:

Our friend who had entered the hospital that week for abdominal pain had delivered her baby daughter 3 1/2 months early.

The next day, I sat on the floor of the Nature and Science Museum with my friend Rachael as her kids ran around in the interactive outer space display.  We talked about what Allison and her husband Chad would need in the coming weeks and what we had to offer.  We were honest with one another that for a variety of reasons, even though we both love to cook, it just was not practical right now.   I loved this part; neither of us pretended that we were capable of more than we were.  More women need to learn how to be honest about their limitations, and in that moment, we gave each other the freedom to do just that.  We decided we could each contribute some money and get a freezer full of meals from one of those “make it and take it” places.  I asked two other women if they could contribute some money as well.

Before I knew it, what started as an effort to pool $120, exploded.  Jodi took over arranging childcare for our friends’ two year old son.  Karla arranged for a local non-profit ministry to be the clearing house for collecting general funds to support the families financial needs.  Herb updated their blog with information about how people could help and who to contact.  Within 24 hours, so many people used the Pay Pal button he added to the blog, that I had collected over $400 for meals and groceries!  It was astounding.  And yet, I was not surprised.  We have lived in Colorado for about 10 years, and in that time, we have built a community of people who are learning how to work together to take care of each other.  My heart is warmed for baby Olivia that she is entering the world through the hands of practical, sacrificing love.

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week. If we are looking for love throughout the week, we will have more faith in the power of the love we share with our spouse.  Leave your story in the comments section about how you saw love in action last week!  Or write about it on your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments section (and be sure to link your readers over here so they can see more stories about love in action!).

Kevin Still

This week I saw love in big time action going on over on my friend Kevin’s blog.  This post really speaks for itself, so I won’t say much other than this:

I appreciate anyone who is willing to push boundaries and take risks for the purpose of seeking the heart’s of others and pursuing truth.  THAT is love!

Here is Kevin’s essay on being a white male feminist living in the south.  If something here moves you, head over to his little spot in blogland and let him know!

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week.  Sometimes my story might have to do with my marriage.  Sometimes it won’t.  The point is that if we are looking for love throughout the week, we will have more faith in the power of the love we share with our spouse.

If you wish, please leave your story in the comments section about how you saw love in action last week!  Or write about it on your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments section (and be sure to link your readers over here so they can see more stories about love in action!).

When I fly, I love to recapture the magic that used to exist at airports.  I imagine my flight attendant’s up-do just a little tidier.  And the baby in front of me dressed in a little sailor suit and dress shoes saved for visits to church, grandmas, and flying the friendly skies.  Sometimes I dress up too (though rarely in a sailor suit), for no reason other than to play the role of mysterious solo traveler (and also, because I suspect one gets better service when they are not wearing a track suit).  Since September 11th, our airport experience has been dehumanized.  It is hard to find a friendly face, especially once you make it to the security line.  And here I am challenged to be kind and patient.

As we stood in the security line on Thursday, Herb reminded me that the smoothies I tucked in my purse to replace an airport style lunch would not make it through security.   I quickly drank one and offered the other to a pudgy middle-aged agent who was organizing plastic zip-lock bags at a table.  “I forgot that I won’t be able to take this through security.  Would you like it?”

Without so much as bothering to look up at me he replied, “I can’t.  Its illegal.”

Suddenly, I despised him.  I became ugly.  “Really?  It would be ILLEGAL for you to drink this???”  I know rules are rules, but I did not understand why he couldn’t be a little sweeter about it.
“No”, he responded in that flat, emotionless tone that is required for DMV employees and TSA agents, “illegal to TAKE it.”   It is as if the government believes that if the people working in potentially stressful situations show any emotion or kindness at all, we, the customer will simply implode!

I was still wound up as I finally made it to the podium to show my boarding pass and identification.  I heard the attendant talking to a short woman at the front of the line, who looked like she might be visiting from South America.  She did not appear to understand what he was saying, “How many people are with you?”   Her and the one man behind her.  Why was he pushing her on something so clear?  She didn’t understand the question.  She stared blankly.  He continued.  “9? 14? 54? How many?”  He shuffled through her documents and figured it out on his own.  “Passport?”  Again, a silent stare from the passenger.  Louder this time, “Can I have your ID???”

Finally, I interjected, “Be patient with her.  She is trying.  She is figuring it out.  She doesn’t understand.”
“I AM being patient.”
“No, you are not being patient.”
“I am a VERY patient person!  Been a single dad for 14 years.”

Suddenly I wondered about him.  Why was he single?  Where had his wife gone? Were his children doing okay?  Later, I found myself grateful that my compassion kicked in, keeping me from saying something like, “Well, I feel sorry for your kids then!”
Quietly, I said it again, “You weren’t being patient with her.”

It was so much more than the fact that his behavior was distasteful, thereby ruining my attempt to reenact international travel experiences of the 40’s and 50’s.  It was sarcastic, rude, and impersonal.   My desire to see justice in our world flared up.  I was angry.

After I finished in his line, I apologized to the couple for his behavior, then found a spot in line to go through the x-ray machines.  Herb got into another line and gave me our signal for “Let’s race!”  It was just what I needed, something to stop taking our airport experience so personal.

I raced.  I won.  As I sat on a bench putting my coat and shoes back on, I felt ashamed.  Why was I so mean?  Why did I get so worked up?  What was wrong with me?

Herb joined me and I said, “Oh! I just got so frustrated with that guy! Did you hear me?”
“Yes, I heard you.  And you did a great job! You needed to say that to him – that was the right thing to do.”

And all at once, the anxiety and tension flooded out of my body and sat in a puddle on the dirty airport floor.  Perhaps the glamor of traveling is dead.  But my husband was on my team and that was all of the good old fashioned chivalry that I needed in the moment.

Where did you see love in action this week?

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week.  Sometimes my story might have to do with my marriage.  Sometimes it won’t.  The point is that if we are looking for love throughout the week, we will have more faith in the power of the love we share with our spouse.

You are invited to leave a story in the comments section about how you saw love in action last week!  Or leave a link to your blog in the comments section (and be sure to link your readers over here so they can see more stories about love in action!).

this week i finally sat down

and talked with a friend i have been in conflict with.

she has not been having conflict with me.

just me with her.

she didn’t know.

she thought everything was just fine.

which makes it a good thing

that i decided to talk with her.

it could have gone badly.

very

very

very

badly.

but it went well.

i talked.

and she listened.

and then we switched.

it was beautiful.

sounds simple,

but for two girls who have a history of

solving their problems in ways that can end a relationship,

it was worth celebrating.

the reason we talked and listened

and listened and talked

is because

on that night

last week,

over a glass

(or two)

of table wine,

we chose to listen

over being right.

because we love each other.

and it worked.

Where did you see love in action this week?