THE MARRIAGE MIX

Josh and Mandy have been married for almost 11 years.   They live in St. Louis, MO with their three children.

What is the largest source of conflict in your marriage?

He Said:

Miscommunication.  I think that communication is actually something we’re pretty good at, but we still misread and/or have a hard time understanding each other pretty regularly.  It’s tough to get and stay on the same wavelength, especially when we both have a lot on our plates with work, church, and friends.   On top of that, we’re trying to contend with issues with the kids.

Money/Goal achievement is one, too.  We are both very goal-oriented people.  We have goals relating to things like the house we live in, our roles in our church, vacations, how fast we can run a 5k, and so on.  Because of the phase of life that we’re in, progress toward these goals is very seldom made in a straight line, and that tends to be frustrating, particularly because of our personalities.  Instead of commiserating over these conditions—which I think we’d both agree we’d prefer to do—we sometimes lash out at each other because of them.

She Said:

Lack of understanding and communication.  When he feels like I have no idea what he deals with in a day and I feel like he has no idea what a day in my life is like.  If we don’t take the time to try and understand one another’s perspectives we become more isolated emotionally and less sympathetic toward one another.  That is when we start functioning independently of one another, and then I start to see Josh as more of an obstacle than a teammate.

How do you tend to manage conflict?

He Said:

Mandy prefers to go toe-to-toe, I tend to be more of a “this too shall pass” kind of a guy.  I have changed quite a bit in this area since we’ve been married and am much more direct in addressing conflict than I used to be—one of the many ways in which I’ve learned from Mandy.  Open conflict is a lot scarier to me than it is to Mandy, but the fear of slowly drifting off course is much more real to Mandy than it is to me.

She Said:

I like to face conflict head on.  If there is some kind of weird vibe between us, I want to address it and talk about it.  This can be good because I don’t let things get bottled up but it can also be bad.  For example, if Josh is thinking through something that I said or did, he needs the space to be able to do that.  Sometimes, my desire to get it all out rushes him through that process and makes him feel disrespected.