For a re-cap on our Perspectives panelists, go here.

What is a surefire thing you can do that will create a meltdown in your relationship?

Jodie: Bring up old girl friends. Let the house get super messy. Complain about the time he’s away at soccer (he coaches high school). Nag him the second he walks in the door from work. And a million other small buttons I’ve learned over the years!

Matt: Tell her that she is like her mom.  I did that once.  Woops.

Courtney: Not tell my husband about something I am planning on doing. Messing with something that is important to him without asking him first. My husband not saying anything nice to me for awhile or not being physically affectionate for awhile.  Not spending enough time together, anxiety and artificial hormones.

What have you learned about effective communication with your spouse?

Jodie: I feel like I have mainly learned how NOT to communicate with him! HA! Really, there are two main things I’ve learned over the years that work so great for us. First, if I have a list in my head of things that need to get done on Saturday, whether it’s chores around the house or errands or even if I need him to watch all the kids b/c I have to work, I have learned to start talking about it Monday morning! Every day I mention it so that he has all week to prepare himself for that day. He really hates it when we wake up on the weekend and he wants to do one thing and I have the whole day planned out for the family already. In the beginning it used to cause all sorts of problems. Now I give him fair warning and the weekend sails by smoothly… for the most part! The other thing I’ve learned, which is WAY more important, is to take him at face value. I used to spend countless hours worrying that he was mad at me when he said he was fine but was “acting” mad. And the more I worried the more often I would ask him, “Are you sure you’re ok? Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Why are you in a bad mood if you’re not mad?” and on and on and on, which just ticked him off more and we’d end up having a real fight. I’ve learned that sometimes he’s just in a grumpy mood and that’s ok! Everyone is sometimes. So when he says he’s not mad I believe him and go about my business without egging his mood on. That simple idea of “believe what he says” has worked wonders in my life!

Matt: I have learned that we communicate differently.  That was easy.  I have learned that effective communication means listening and not necessarily solving what Sherri is sharing with me.  I’ve learned that effective communication has to be intentional, that I have to make mental and physical notes to remember to include her in the parts of my life that are lived away from her.  We communicate best when we go for walks outside together daily and are able to focus on each other – so we only communicate during the warm months which means that we don’t from mid October through the end of March.  I hate Michigan… I digress.

Courtney: Communicating when you are calm is most effective.  Honoring what they say and communicating that you hear what they are trying to say by repeating it back to them is huge, and always, always apologize for being hurtful or irrational.  Don’t say the “D” word – Divorce. Don’t threaten and remind them that you are here to stay when you have to communicate about something that is hard.  When we communicate like that it goes well and we feel heard.  But, of course, that is when we do that.

Dave: Probably the most helpful aspect of communication I have learned has been a result the many hours and dollars spent with my counselor.  Primarily, I have learned how to “peel back the layers” of what I am saying to get to the heart of what I’m trying to communicate.  For my wife and I, this means instead of blurting out the first, instinctual thought that comes into our head whenever we feel wronged, we take a moment to consider what, specifically, was hurtful.  More often than not, the issue wasn’t that there was any sort of intentionality in the perceived offense, rather, old wounds may have triggered a response.  Thus, after sitting with it for a bit, we can avoid reactionary and damaging comments to one another, which gives us the opportunity to get to the heart of an issue.  Arguments last a fraction of the time.

HUGE thanks to Courtney, Dave, Matt, and Jodie for your thoughtful (and funny) responses to all of my questions!!!