How do you and your spouse repair broken trust?

Written by Dave Huff

Nearly every married couple has stood on some semblance of a stage, in front of hundreds of their closest friends and family and promised each other the world – a world free from hurt and broken trust.  I truly wouldn’t be surprised to hear a couple vow to never, ever cause the other stress, irritation or any unwanted pain, whatsoever, for however long they both shall live.  Every married couple knows irritation, stress and pain is exactly what we are signing up for.  What a relief it would be to hear a couple vow to piss each other off at least once a day because, in all honestly, we’re both flawed creatures with baggage and morning breath.
But I digress.
I have some specific insight into this question as my first marriage ended because of broken trust, among other issues.  I wounded my ex-wife deeply through my unfaithfulness and every conversation following it ultimately revolved around the concept of how she would ever trust me again.  I think most couples who face daunting situations of broken trust end up throwing in the towel not out of lack of effort, but because our collective notion of what trust looks like is often misplaced.  It is essential that we do not equate relational trust with safety; that is, a level of certainty that guarantees we won’t be hurt by our significant other.  In fact, it is my opinion that the type of growth I spoke of in the last question is usually born out of pain – the type of pain which occurs when we fail one another.  I’m not advocating breaking your spouse’s trust in order to grow your marriage but, frankly, you will.  You will lie.  You will blurt out an incredibly insensitive and damaging comment that re-opens old wounds.  You will be a grade-A ass at some point.
It is with a great deal of personal pain and loss that I have arrived at my own understanding of what must take place when a couple finds themselves dealing with broken trust, and I have come to understand that our instincts do not serve us well.  The individual who did the trust-breaking will often promise anything under the sun to restore order, most likely repeating over and over that the offense will never take place again.  And the wounded partner will search for proof, some factual evidence that they will not be exposed to this hurt again.  And, as you probably already know, there ain’t enough promises or proof that will ever satisfy.
What must take place is transformation as well as the acknowledgement of our own brokenness.
I would go so far as to suggest that the transgressor shouldn’t even attempt to promise they won’t do it again – despite the allure from both sides, it will inevitably come off as shallow and empty.  Why?  Because there is no proof.  The proof your spouse truly needs (and he/she probably doesn’t know it) is the transformation that accompanies the inward wrestling of what drove us to lie, cheat – insert your bad behavior here – in the first place.  Failure opens the door to growth, it reveals our darkness, the places in us that have gone unheeded and left to rot – those same ugly names we have acquired over our lifetime.  If we examine ourselves well when we hurt our spouse, hopefully we encounter the real reason we allowed ourselves to break trust, and I believe simply owning these parts of ourselves goes a great distance in healing them.
I mean, which statement do you think holds the better chance or restoring trust?
“Honey, I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’ll never do it again, I promise.  Please, you can trust me…”
Or
“Honey, I blew it.  I’ve been doing some soul searching and counseling and I think there are some issues stemming from a previous relationship which I never really dealt with.  This type of behavior was a way for me to cope with the past and I guess I just assumed it would go away.  I don’t want to be held captive by this, I want to heal from it.”
Granted, this isn’t instantaneous, but it is at least more authentic that, “gosh, I’m not sure why I did it… kind of got caught up in the moment I suppose.” Now, I acknowledge that there are levels of broken trust – repairing a relationship that has been damaged by infidelity is substantially more difficult than one where a wife found her husband lingering over the panty ads in the Sunday paper.  So “transformation” is a loose term, essentially meaning a genuine movement within us, but it is imperative towards trust.
On the flip side of this issue is the acknowledgment of personal brokenness on the part of the hurt spouse.  What inevitably happens in a situation of broken trust is an instantly created sense of one-up, one-down.
“You have hurt me and you must earn my trust again.  Until then, I am in a position of power in our relationship.”
This, obviously, goes unspoken but anyone who has been on either side of broken trust knows it is true – but in any case, if there continues to be a one-up one-down approach, you can be sure real trust won’t be regained.  Only when we embrace the fact that we have hurt others too, that we have all fallen short of the mark and have needed grace along the way are we in a position to actually see our spouse’s transformation.  The biggest obstacle here is the fear that we are absolving our spouse of wrongdoing.  It isn’t true, you’re only giving up on the entitled concept that you set the bar as high as you’d like it to be for your spouse to jump over and regain your trust.  This is a flawed approach which will never end.  I’m also not talking about cheap forgiveness, I’m simply saying the only way not to be imprisoned by the fear and anger that accompanies making another pay for hurting you is to acknowledge your own humanity.  Not to mention, how you set the tone for allowing yourself to trust in your spouse’s heart again may be what you find when the shoe is on the other foot.