THE MARRIAGE MIX

For a recap on all of our panelists, see here.

Jodie Allen
Matt Whiteford
Courtney Lynch	Dave Huff

Tell us about a time that you were not sure if your marriage would survive.  How did you handle this?

Jodie: Right before I delivered our third baby we had a fight, the same one we always have which is caused by me feeling under-appreciated and him feeling as if I don’t respect him, after yelling for over an hour I told him I couldn’t fight anymore, I grabbed our sleeping babies (they were 1 and 2) and drove to my parents house. As I was walking out the door he told me that if I left I shouldn’t come back. And I said that if he really wanted to be in this marriage he had to make a commitment to working on it.  It was bad. And a super low point. Looking back though, I was ready to pop with baby and incredibly exhausted and hormonal, we were about to have three kids UNDER three and were totally overwhelmed. We had more stress in our life than I wish on anyone. Anyway, although I do not suggest walking out, it gave us a night of breathing room and the next day after work he came and got me to talk. We worked everything out and ultimately went to our minister to seek guidance. He gave us some amazing advice; we worked on it and are still working on it. Our marriage that is. Luckily we have incredible support from both our families, we have amazing friends and a church family that are always there too. We are very blessed.

Matt: I don’t know if I have ever really thought that our marriage would not survive… I’ve thought I may not survive, but that is a legal loophole.  I believe that Sherri is so in love with Jesus that she would never leave me.  That’s is true for me as well. Walking away from our marriage is like walking away from Jesus because He was and is so instrumental in our meeting, developing as a couple, and our life together.  There have been really hard times, but I honestly don’t thing I have every questioned if our marriage would survive.  

Courtney: About a year and half into our marriage I was so upset at our lack of growth and change – specifically with his lack of affection - that I thought I might have blown it by marrying.  Then I remember that I went into this with the knowledge that he was not Casanova and I also knew that he was a good man that GOD moved me to marry.  I am committed first to God, next to my husband and finally to myself.  Therefore, I would figure out what I could do to work on me, love my husband better to marriage, and expect God for change.  So on good days now – that is what I still think – on bad days….not so much.  But currently there are more good than bad days!

How do you and your spouse repair broken trust?

Jodie: We talk. Chris and I have been friends since we were 14, dating (on and off) since we were 18 and 11 years later (we are 29) we are still good friends. Best friends. So when trust is broken we talk about it. Unfortunately, in the area of trust, there isn’t a cure-all. You can’t just trust someone again. So added to talking is just time. It takes time to trust again and luckily, in a marriage, you have lots of time. Time until the end of time really. And sooner rather than later you find you have talked enough, let enough time pass and the trust is back in place before you were even aware. It’s nice really.

Matt: Time, consistency, and usually something written in a card that somebody else wrote but I signed.  Actually, I think there are degrees of broken trust and what it would take to repair will be more intensive depending on what it is.  Probably the biggest thing is humility and intentional effort to show that I can be trusted.

Courtney: We don’t break it.  Honesty is absolutely essential in marriage.  I have a saying – “Keep it Clean”. If you do something that you should not have then confess and move forward.  Don’t let there be any secrets or hidden issues in your marriage.  The amazing thing about it – it always will come out – one way or another. A secret does not stay secret to your spouse for forever.

Note from Cara: Dave shared a great wealth of his wisdom and experience with me on the subject of broken trust.  It is stands out on its own, and is very valuable reading, so it will be posted tomorrow morning on its own as a special edition of Perspectives.   So check back tomorrow morning for more from Dave on the topic of repairing trust.