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Welcome to week 2 of He Said***She Said.
For a quick refresher, see last week’s post.

What is a large source of conflict in your marriage?

HE SAID:
I’m glad you didn’t ask the “largest”, so I don’t have to quantify our conflicts.  A large source of conflict is probably our social life.  I am very social and am fine with drop ins and last minute gatherings.  I enjoy spending my free time in social settings, but Kelli likes to budget our free time between immediate family time, extended family time, just us, and social time.  So the social time is last priority and is a struggle to do as much as I want to.

SHE SAID:

(Kelli said I could pick just one if I wanted, but I think all of us can relate to at least one of these, so I decided to keep them all in!  Thanks Kelli!)

I am a selfish person and that is a huge obstacle in my marriage.  I tune out when he talks of work or things that I don’t understand or am not interested, while he really listens when I talk about my stuff.  Anthony has such a high tolerance for my selfishness, but at some point, even he has a limit to his patience.

Sex is something we’ve never fully matched up on.  We have sex…great, fun sex.   But just not as much as either of us would like…which I know sounds weird…like, if you both want it just do it.  But it’s not that simple…I don’t know why.  It’s the one thing that makes me really sad.  We don’t even fight about it anymore.  Perhaps we’ve both given up and chosen to accept it because we have tried everything and don’t really know what else to do.  (That’s about as honest as you get from me, Cara!!)

Anthony is a technology junkie and I’m a purist who could get rid of the TV/video games and be completely fine. A short history is that Tony works from home so I see him on the computer constantly for his job.  So when he wants to just do stuff on the computer or video games or whatever for fun, it bugs the crap out of me and I want to just pitch all electronic devices.  I feel that our life is overrun by TV, cell phones etc.. and it concerns me. This is the most recent bone of contention in our marriage and the one thing we fight about most.

How do you tend to manage conflict?

HE SAID:
Neither of us hide our issues very well, so we tend to deal pretty quickly.   We tend to discuss in terms of “how I feel” and “I get frustrated when” type statements because both of us are sensitive to being projected upon or accused.  We also let our issues get worked out with the kids around so they can learn to manage conflict well too.  When we know it’s going to get difficult we actually write emails to each other so we can express our feelings in a manner that can’t get interrupted and isn’t clouded by emotion during the heat of discussion.  Unfortunately we never fight passionately enough for make-up sex.

SHE SAID:
We are in most cases immediate “confronters”.  Sometimes Anthony will just get emotionally distant, but by now I can pick up on it pretty fast and call him out on it. We tend to go right then and there to confront and get an issue out of the way.  We’re both pretty good listeners and talk it out.  Rarely do we yell and scream anymore.  Depending on the issue, we will often create an actual plan of action.  For example, Tony has a mesage box that pops up on his computer at 5pm to tell him that work is over because he found himself just sitting on the computer and either working or playing just because he works from home and there wasn’t necessarily anything else to do.  But I wanted him to be with us, even if it was sitting at the table reading the paper while I’m cooking dinner.

I know it sounds a bit convenient and easy, but we just know each other.  We dont really have many new issues.  It’s all the same ones and because we’re pretty honest and open about them they are actually growing smaller.