Perspectives Volume 1, Week 1
Perspectives 4 Comments »This next new addition to The MarriageMix is called Perspectives. I think it will be helpful to hear what many different people think about various topics related to love, intimacy, and marriage.
The four people featured this week will join us every Thursday for the entire month of March, answering various questions about their viewpoints on and experiences with marriage.
Jodie Allen: Chris and I were married in the fall of 2004 and live in St. Louis, MO where we grew up. Our three unexpected little gifts came in the packages of Bailey Smith Allen: 7.8.05, Parker Jane Allen: 11.18.06, and Grayson Richard Allen: 6.12.08. As you can see, things get a little crazy around here sometimes. Chris teaches high school biology (at Webster Groves High School) and coaches the boys and girls soccer teams (head varsity girls coach, asst varsity boys coach). When I am not manhandling our children, I run my own business, Jodified Photography+Design. We are the 4th generation Kirkwood High School sweethearts in C’s family . . . we have been together since 1998.
Matt Whiteford: Matt is the childhood best friend of my husband and one of the funnier men I know. Matt loves speaking to groups of people. He might tell you it is because he likes the sound of his own voice, but the rest of us know he has something really important to say. Matt works as a young adults pastor at a church in Michigan. He has three kids with his wife and Spring Hill Camp sweetie, Sherri, to whom he was been married for 14 1/2 years.
Courtney Lynch: I am a 31 year old woman living in Albuquerque, NM. I have been married for 2 and 1/2 years. I work as a Professional Clinical Counselor at the Christian Counseling Center of New Mexico. I graduated from college in 2000 with a BA in Religious Studies and I graduated in 2005 from Denver Seminary with a MA in Counseling. I grew up in New Mexico in a small mountain town and attended the same school from elementary through high school. When I graduated from high school I wanted to travel the world and see new things. Since then I have traveled to several countries and have participated in missions and ministries around the world. My current favorite things in life are a hot cup of tea, hiking, backpacking, knitting, my dogs and relationships. I am very close to my sister and continually learn to enjoy my relationship with my husband. I have many wonderful friends and a fantastic best friend that I count as close as a sister. I am a strong Christian with fairly liberal political points of view. I attend a large charismatic church in Albuquerque and think of my work as a ministry to children.
Dave Huff: My name is David Huff and I live in downtown Denver with my wife and 10 month old daughter Sydney. That covers about 90% of my life right now… however, I suppose I do head out the door each morning and go to my family’s company where we produce large animal vaccines and instruments, the least of which happens to be a goat ejaculator, but that is the only product my friend’s seem capable of remembering. Past that, I really enjoy dining out. Its a remarkably pitiful hobby but one I seem to be good at. I also enjoy a martini or three in the company of my friends.
What have you learned about yourself through marriage?
Jodie: That I like things done my way. Especially once we had kids. I want Chris to do everything the way I do it, but not only that, I want him to know instinctually how I do things. It’s impossible. I also have learned that I always want things even. We get stuck in the hole of keeping score. On any given day I can tell you how many loads of laundry I’ve done, how many dishes I’ve washed, how many butts I’ve wiped compared to him. It’s so sad really. And then when any kind of argument starts I somehow ALWAYS manage to bring up the fact that I’ve changed 34 poopy diapers this week to his 3. Which has nothing to do with the fight except that at the root of almost all of our fights is the fact that I feel under appreciated.
On a happier note, I’ve also learned that I love watching him pursue his passion. I always knew he was sexy, but watching him coach his team and guide young minds turns me on. Not in an actual SEX-way, but more in an “I’ve never been more proud to be his wife” way. I’ve also learned that although I love him as a father and sometimes feel love for him faster while watching him play with our kids, I do still love him for being him. I’m still in love with him.
And what I’m currently learning is that we constantly need time for us as a couple that is separate from our time as mommy and daddy. That time is crazy hard to come by, but now that we recognize this we’re working on carving out more time for each other as lovers and friends.
Matt: I am selfish, but that may be too easy because the only people who don’t realize that they are selfish when they get married are tools. I have learned that I can love someone whether I like them at that moment or not. Having kids has reinforced that lesson.
Courtney: I have learned that my independence can be a weakness in partnership - the very characteristic that I prided myself on and enjoyed while I was single. I never expected nor wanted to give it up, until it began to corrode my relationship with my husband. I have had to learn to balance independence with a healthy dependent partnership, otherwise I can come off as selfish and inconsiderate.
I have had to learn to respect a man. Little did I know, as a good little Christian girl, that I had a REAL problem respecting any man. I am still trying to learn this and work very hard at seeing the way a man thinks, feels and acts as significant and important. My husband has had to deal with a lot of condensation and patronizing from me because of it. Until I realized the root of my feelings, I did not realize that I was acting out of the generational curse of women in my family – disrespecting my partner. I have to see the unique personality of my husband, the positive contributions he makes to our partnership and the wealth of talent, intelligence and wisdom he has to offer on a daily basis so I don’t screw up and treat him like a child.
Dave: I have held the belief for some time now that without the vulnerability we are exposed to in marriage, it is near impossible to understand some of our deepest wounds and issues. Personally, I have discovered previously unnamed fears that revolve around how I see myself which can keep me from experiencing true intimacy in marriage. Other relationships in life don’t necessarily require us to face our demons…. not that marriage guarantees it either, but if we are to achieve a healthy and thriving one, then somewhere along the line we will be forced to examine the names we have acquired over our lifetime (Unlovable, Worthless, Forgettable, Stupid, Unwanted, etc.) and re-learn our true identity. Thus, I believe there is a process of dying to oneself in marriage that must occur before real intimacy can take place, the kind of intimacy which demands our vulnerability – hiding behind nothing and approaching our partner as our most honest selves.
How are you different than you were as a single person?
Jodie: Does fatter count? Or dirtier, considering I used to shower every day when I was single? No? Ok. I guess, sadly, the biggest thing that has changed since marriage is my relationship with the Lord. I hate to even write these words, but they are true. When I was single I would wake up early every morning and have quiet time at Bread Co before work. I would pray and read my Bible or do a study or something that started my day out with Him, helping me keep my day focused on Him. Since being married and having three children ages three and under before we’ve hit our fifth anniversary, I’ve fallen away in the closeness I used to feel with God. Pregnancy, babies, work, life, marriage, family, etc. have all twisted and pulled me but the real reason is myself. I’ve stopped giving up that time for Him. It is something I am currently trying desperately to remedy.
Matt: Honestly, I have no idea because I don’t remember life or what I was like before I was married. Again, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t recognize much outside my immediate presence.
Courtney: I think that learning to “check in”, “think about someone else”, and “communicate” when I don’t feel like it have been the most obvious behavior changes. Also, I have found that I am connected to a person like I have never been – I can’t quite explain it….I miss him when he is gone, I find that I depend on him for certain opinions and tasks, and, my God, I think I am learning to need someone!
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