For a re-cap on our Perspectives panelists, go here.

What is a surefire thing you can do that will create a meltdown in your relationship?

Jodie: Bring up old girl friends. Let the house get super messy. Complain about the time he’s away at soccer (he coaches high school). Nag him the second he walks in the door from work. And a million other small buttons I’ve learned over the years!

Matt: Tell her that she is like her mom.  I did that once.  Woops.

Courtney: Not tell my husband about something I am planning on doing. Messing with something that is important to him without asking him first. My husband not saying anything nice to me for awhile or not being physically affectionate for awhile.  Not spending enough time together, anxiety and artificial hormones.

What have you learned about effective communication with your spouse?

Jodie: I feel like I have mainly learned how NOT to communicate with him! HA! Really, there are two main things I’ve learned over the years that work so great for us. First, if I have a list in my head of things that need to get done on Saturday, whether it’s chores around the house or errands or even if I need him to watch all the kids b/c I have to work, I have learned to start talking about it Monday morning! Every day I mention it so that he has all week to prepare himself for that day. He really hates it when we wake up on the weekend and he wants to do one thing and I have the whole day planned out for the family already. In the beginning it used to cause all sorts of problems. Now I give him fair warning and the weekend sails by smoothly… for the most part! The other thing I’ve learned, which is WAY more important, is to take him at face value. I used to spend countless hours worrying that he was mad at me when he said he was fine but was “acting” mad. And the more I worried the more often I would ask him, “Are you sure you’re ok? Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Why are you in a bad mood if you’re not mad?” and on and on and on, which just ticked him off more and we’d end up having a real fight. I’ve learned that sometimes he’s just in a grumpy mood and that’s ok! Everyone is sometimes. So when he says he’s not mad I believe him and go about my business without egging his mood on. That simple idea of “believe what he says” has worked wonders in my life!

Matt: I have learned that we communicate differently.  That was easy.  I have learned that effective communication means listening and not necessarily solving what Sherri is sharing with me.  I’ve learned that effective communication has to be intentional, that I have to make mental and physical notes to remember to include her in the parts of my life that are lived away from her.  We communicate best when we go for walks outside together daily and are able to focus on each other – so we only communicate during the warm months which means that we don’t from mid October through the end of March.  I hate Michigan… I digress.

Courtney: Communicating when you are calm is most effective.  Honoring what they say and communicating that you hear what they are trying to say by repeating it back to them is huge, and always, always apologize for being hurtful or irrational.  Don’t say the “D” word – Divorce. Don’t threaten and remind them that you are here to stay when you have to communicate about something that is hard.  When we communicate like that it goes well and we feel heard.  But, of course, that is when we do that.

Dave: Probably the most helpful aspect of communication I have learned has been a result the many hours and dollars spent with my counselor.  Primarily, I have learned how to “peel back the layers” of what I am saying to get to the heart of what I’m trying to communicate.  For my wife and I, this means instead of blurting out the first, instinctual thought that comes into our head whenever we feel wronged, we take a moment to consider what, specifically, was hurtful.  More often than not, the issue wasn’t that there was any sort of intentionality in the perceived offense, rather, old wounds may have triggered a response.  Thus, after sitting with it for a bit, we can avoid reactionary and damaging comments to one another, which gives us the opportunity to get to the heart of an issue.  Arguments last a fraction of the time.

HUGE thanks to Courtney, Dave, Matt, and Jodie for your thoughtful (and funny) responses to all of my questions!!!

How do you and your spouse repair broken trust?

Written by Dave Huff

Nearly every married couple has stood on some semblance of a stage, in front of hundreds of their closest friends and family and promised each other the world – a world free from hurt and broken trust.  I truly wouldn’t be surprised to hear a couple vow to never, ever cause the other stress, irritation or any unwanted pain, whatsoever, for however long they both shall live.  Every married couple knows irritation, stress and pain is exactly what we are signing up for.  What a relief it would be to hear a couple vow to piss each other off at least once a day because, in all honestly, we’re both flawed creatures with baggage and morning breath.
But I digress.
I have some specific insight into this question as my first marriage ended because of broken trust, among other issues.  I wounded my ex-wife deeply through my unfaithfulness and every conversation following it ultimately revolved around the concept of how she would ever trust me again.  I think most couples who face daunting situations of broken trust end up throwing in the towel not out of lack of effort, but because our collective notion of what trust looks like is often misplaced.  It is essential that we do not equate relational trust with safety; that is, a level of certainty that guarantees we won’t be hurt by our significant other.  In fact, it is my opinion that the type of growth I spoke of in the last question is usually born out of pain – the type of pain which occurs when we fail one another.  I’m not advocating breaking your spouse’s trust in order to grow your marriage but, frankly, you will.  You will lie.  You will blurt out an incredibly insensitive and damaging comment that re-opens old wounds.  You will be a grade-A ass at some point.
It is with a great deal of personal pain and loss that I have arrived at my own understanding of what must take place when a couple finds themselves dealing with broken trust, and I have come to understand that our instincts do not serve us well.  The individual who did the trust-breaking will often promise anything under the sun to restore order, most likely repeating over and over that the offense will never take place again.  And the wounded partner will search for proof, some factual evidence that they will not be exposed to this hurt again.  And, as you probably already know, there ain’t enough promises or proof that will ever satisfy.
What must take place is transformation as well as the acknowledgement of our own brokenness.
I would go so far as to suggest that the transgressor shouldn’t even attempt to promise they won’t do it again – despite the allure from both sides, it will inevitably come off as shallow and empty.  Why?  Because there is no proof.  The proof your spouse truly needs (and he/she probably doesn’t know it) is the transformation that accompanies the inward wrestling of what drove us to lie, cheat – insert your bad behavior here – in the first place.  Failure opens the door to growth, it reveals our darkness, the places in us that have gone unheeded and left to rot – those same ugly names we have acquired over our lifetime.  If we examine ourselves well when we hurt our spouse, hopefully we encounter the real reason we allowed ourselves to break trust, and I believe simply owning these parts of ourselves goes a great distance in healing them.
I mean, which statement do you think holds the better chance or restoring trust?
“Honey, I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’ll never do it again, I promise.  Please, you can trust me…”
Or
“Honey, I blew it.  I’ve been doing some soul searching and counseling and I think there are some issues stemming from a previous relationship which I never really dealt with.  This type of behavior was a way for me to cope with the past and I guess I just assumed it would go away.  I don’t want to be held captive by this, I want to heal from it.”
Granted, this isn’t instantaneous, but it is at least more authentic that, “gosh, I’m not sure why I did it… kind of got caught up in the moment I suppose.” Now, I acknowledge that there are levels of broken trust – repairing a relationship that has been damaged by infidelity is substantially more difficult than one where a wife found her husband lingering over the panty ads in the Sunday paper.  So “transformation” is a loose term, essentially meaning a genuine movement within us, but it is imperative towards trust.
On the flip side of this issue is the acknowledgment of personal brokenness on the part of the hurt spouse.  What inevitably happens in a situation of broken trust is an instantly created sense of one-up, one-down.
“You have hurt me and you must earn my trust again.  Until then, I am in a position of power in our relationship.”
This, obviously, goes unspoken but anyone who has been on either side of broken trust knows it is true – but in any case, if there continues to be a one-up one-down approach, you can be sure real trust won’t be regained.  Only when we embrace the fact that we have hurt others too, that we have all fallen short of the mark and have needed grace along the way are we in a position to actually see our spouse’s transformation.  The biggest obstacle here is the fear that we are absolving our spouse of wrongdoing.  It isn’t true, you’re only giving up on the entitled concept that you set the bar as high as you’d like it to be for your spouse to jump over and regain your trust.  This is a flawed approach which will never end.  I’m also not talking about cheap forgiveness, I’m simply saying the only way not to be imprisoned by the fear and anger that accompanies making another pay for hurting you is to acknowledge your own humanity.  Not to mention, how you set the tone for allowing yourself to trust in your spouse’s heart again may be what you find when the shoe is on the other foot.

For a recap on all of our panelists, see here.

Jodie Allen
Matt Whiteford
Courtney Lynch	Dave Huff

Tell us about a time that you were not sure if your marriage would survive.  How did you handle this?

Jodie: Right before I delivered our third baby we had a fight, the same one we always have which is caused by me feeling under-appreciated and him feeling as if I don’t respect him, after yelling for over an hour I told him I couldn’t fight anymore, I grabbed our sleeping babies (they were 1 and 2) and drove to my parents house. As I was walking out the door he told me that if I left I shouldn’t come back. And I said that if he really wanted to be in this marriage he had to make a commitment to working on it.  It was bad. And a super low point. Looking back though, I was ready to pop with baby and incredibly exhausted and hormonal, we were about to have three kids UNDER three and were totally overwhelmed. We had more stress in our life than I wish on anyone. Anyway, although I do not suggest walking out, it gave us a night of breathing room and the next day after work he came and got me to talk. We worked everything out and ultimately went to our minister to seek guidance. He gave us some amazing advice; we worked on it and are still working on it. Our marriage that is. Luckily we have incredible support from both our families, we have amazing friends and a church family that are always there too. We are very blessed.

Matt: I don’t know if I have ever really thought that our marriage would not survive… I’ve thought I may not survive, but that is a legal loophole.  I believe that Sherri is so in love with Jesus that she would never leave me.  That’s is true for me as well. Walking away from our marriage is like walking away from Jesus because He was and is so instrumental in our meeting, developing as a couple, and our life together.  There have been really hard times, but I honestly don’t thing I have every questioned if our marriage would survive.  

Courtney: About a year and half into our marriage I was so upset at our lack of growth and change – specifically with his lack of affection - that I thought I might have blown it by marrying.  Then I remember that I went into this with the knowledge that he was not Casanova and I also knew that he was a good man that GOD moved me to marry.  I am committed first to God, next to my husband and finally to myself.  Therefore, I would figure out what I could do to work on me, love my husband better to marriage, and expect God for change.  So on good days now – that is what I still think – on bad days….not so much.  But currently there are more good than bad days!

How do you and your spouse repair broken trust?

Jodie: We talk. Chris and I have been friends since we were 14, dating (on and off) since we were 18 and 11 years later (we are 29) we are still good friends. Best friends. So when trust is broken we talk about it. Unfortunately, in the area of trust, there isn’t a cure-all. You can’t just trust someone again. So added to talking is just time. It takes time to trust again and luckily, in a marriage, you have lots of time. Time until the end of time really. And sooner rather than later you find you have talked enough, let enough time pass and the trust is back in place before you were even aware. It’s nice really.

Matt: Time, consistency, and usually something written in a card that somebody else wrote but I signed.  Actually, I think there are degrees of broken trust and what it would take to repair will be more intensive depending on what it is.  Probably the biggest thing is humility and intentional effort to show that I can be trusted.

Courtney: We don’t break it.  Honesty is absolutely essential in marriage.  I have a saying – “Keep it Clean”. If you do something that you should not have then confess and move forward.  Don’t let there be any secrets or hidden issues in your marriage.  The amazing thing about it – it always will come out – one way or another. A secret does not stay secret to your spouse for forever.

Note from Cara: Dave shared a great wealth of his wisdom and experience with me on the subject of broken trust.  It is stands out on its own, and is very valuable reading, so it will be posted tomorrow morning on its own as a special edition of Perspectives.   So check back tomorrow morning for more from Dave on the topic of repairing trust.

Melanie Kleimola is a part-time English Graduate student at Northern Illinois University, a full-time wife to Andrew and mother to her two children, Aidan and Catie.  You can find more of Melanie’s insights and stories on Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?
When I was single, I hated being alone. In a lot of ways, for much of my adult life, I hated my singleness. This was not a long period of time, as I married at age 24, but still, I longed for marriage: to experience unconditional love, intimacy and let’s be honest, sex. My husband and I wasted no time. We met, dated, married, and even bought our first house within one year.

Last month, Cara posted something here about marriage being filled with unexpected things about your partner. Unbearable morning breath, odd bathroom habits, and general sloppiness are a few things that might surprise a young bride or groom about a person who had been on their best behavior prior to the wedding. But for me, the biggest surprise didn’t come from my husband; it came from me. Marriage has revealed many things about ME that I either did not know were there, or was simply able to ignore prior to the wedding.

As a single person, I think I was generally able to keep my own undesirable qualities in check most of the time. When I found myself in situations that brought out the worst in me, I had the opportunity to remove myself, take a break and regroup. While marriage does afford a person some quiet alone time, if a couple is really about the business of becoming one, then even if one or the other finds herself alone, her husband is still with her. On a practical level, the sharing of one’s space and world and life and relationships and friendships and time and money and self can be overwhelming at times. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am always Andrew’s wife.

What was once a selfish need for perfection can now impact the way my husband feels about himself. My problem with anger is now my kids’ problem with anger. These people now have an all access 24/7/365 pass to my life. It forces me to look at myself, to see myself good, bad and ugly. And sometimes this really sucks. The hardest thing about marriage and family for me is that they challenge me more than anything ever has, as such bringing me to the end of myself where all the tired, anxious, ugly habits hide. There is no escaping now; I HAVE to deal with it.

While I have found my marriage is a place of grace and forgiveness most of the time, looking into the eyes of that person I love the most knowing that my shortcomings have hurt him is not an easy thing. There are times when I’d prefer his anger over his kindness. Nothing leads the heart to repentance like forgiveness. Sometimes when we argue, my husband and I have said to one another that we feel undeserving of the other’s love. Awhile ago, I started responding that no one deserves love because it’s a gift.

Sometimes in marriage we just have to receive the love, grace and forgiveness our spouse offers us. In the same way marriage and family can bring out the worst in us, it can also bring out the best in us. When we face the ugliness in ourselves, knowing that it impacts the people we love and cherish is a great motivator to submit to the transforming power that God offers each of us everyday.

For a recap on all of our panelists, see here.

Jodie Allen
Matt Whiteford
Courtney Lynch	Dave Huff

Can marriage change a person?

Jodie: Yes, totally.

Matt: If marriage does not change a person, than I don’t think that person is married.  There is no way to go from 2 to 1 without changing.  I think that’s why so many marriages don’t make it (that was for free).

Courtney: Yes and No.  The only person it can change is the one who wants to be changed.  If that is you, then you will change, if that is your spouse, then they will change.

Dave: Um, it had better change a person.  What else should we expect?  A marriage is a living, breathing entity in many ways, and can only grow and mature if the two people who comprise the union grow and mature.  Anything else is simply an agreement for two individuals to operate their lives under the same roof with tax benefits.  What we must not expect of our spouse (or ourselves for that matter) is how and when change and growth shall take place – we must simply make room for it to happen through grace, patience and the humility that accompanies an understanding that we do not have the clairvoyance to know what is best for the other.

Should we expect our spouse to change and

grow over the years?

Jodie: Yes, but never in the way we hope! I know Chris wishes desperately that I would change and not be such a pile-creator. Or that I would stop leaving 15 water glasses on my bedside table. Or that I would clean my car out once in a while. And I of course wish he saw the things I did around our home more clearly. And I wish he would get used to the fact that I am not a good cook and probably never will be. However. In just 4+ short years we are changing how we speak to each other so as not to purposely hurt one another when angry. And we are learning to be more patient with one another, more forgiving and less judgmental. I try to keep my piles to a minimum and he takes care of my water glasses without saying a word.

Matt: Second part, yes, however sometimes I think we focus more on our spouses changing than ourselves.  It is easy to point the finger and blame Sherri for not changing as I sit here avoiding changing the things that will ultimately make our marriage better even if she doesn’t change.  Sometimes the change I think should be happening in Sherri’s life is not the change that she needs (again, playing to the selfish thing).

Courtney: I think that our daily influence on a person and, theirs on us, can change the way a person reacts, behaves and performs in life, but it is slow and requires tons of consistency.  I also think that the core of a person – their character - will not change unless they want to change.Dave: What we must not expect of our spouse (or ourselves for that matter) is how and when change and growth shall take place – we must simply make room for it to happen through grace, patience and the humility that accompanies an understanding that we do not have the clairvoyance to know what is best for the other.

Written by Rhian Cooksey Quinton

For Part I.

We had been married for less than a year when my youngest brother died. We were two weeks away from moving to another area of our country. Another country entirely if we want to be specific. We had no jobs lined up.   My University course was starting 5 months away, and nothing in our current rental had been packed up yet.

In my case, less than a year’s worth of marriage was enough time to realize that person you had married could actually be quite annoying. In fact, more than annoying. They could be infuriating. You were passionately in love, yet there were those little voices stomping around in your head, prodding you with their imaginary fingers, and chanting, “He can’t really love you very well if he does that. He can’t really know you very well if he does that.”

I had a pre-conceived notion that the person I would eventually fall in love with would immediately know that more than anything in the world I love to be bought books. It felt a little long, almost a year in, not to have been gifted any books, and I was growing increasingly impatient.

I am quite convinced that these questions and expectations are quite normal. I am also quite convinced that these questions were not created by imaginary pixies running amok, but more my own subconscious. A subconscious fueled by Hollywood and too many years worth of fairy tales.  More certain than anything, am I convinced that they would be easily dealt with, and worked through, under ‘normal’ circumstances. However, my 17-year-old brother dieing, two weeks before we were due to relocate home and country, were no t the most ‘normal’ of circumstances.

In that place of grief and overwhelming brokenness, it became very clear that my somewhat newly acquired husband did not really know me at all.

My idea of him as ultimate awkward “Geekboy”, being so observant and sensitive that he would know what I needed to hear, and when, was soon dashed. In reality, I begun to believe he didn’t really know me at all.

And worse still, he was anything but sensitive to my all-encompassing pain.

The memory of him stopping for a Burger King when I was in such a rush to get home, became just one example of how little he understood my pain. In my mind I began to realize that this is how it had been all along. Before my brother had even died, he hadn’t realized even then what would and wouldn’t be helpful for me.

As the months went on, we became just two people who happened to be sharing a flat. Two people who truly wanted the best for each other, but who seemed to be incapable of knowing what that was, or how to provide it.

Five years later I can look back with vague memories and wonder how on earth we got through.
How he could be expected to know my innermost self, when I had become a shattered version of it?
How I could be expected to want to fight for our fledgling relationship, when I was fighting so hard to wake up in the morning?

How really, all I ever wanted was for him to know me. To know, like he had somehow seemed to know in the car on that first date, that my eyebrows were one of my most vulnerable parts. And to compliment them.

My disappointment towards realizing the man I had married was anything but the sensitive pioneer I had believed he was, manifested in anger. Every little thing that went wrong I became furious about, whether it had anything to do with him or not, it was instantly his fault.

We sought counseling, we had time apart, and I had anger therapy, all the while wondering if what I was fighting for was really worth it.

I read a book soon after my brother died that said, ‘When you no longer know what to do, just do what you know.’

I knew that I had made a commitment to this man, a man that had changed before my very eyes, but a commitment none the less. And maybe, when we were able to finally able to move all the mess out the way, there would be something still there that had been worth fighting for. Something beautiful and vulnerable.

So we fought. He fought. I fought. We continue to fight. We continue to fight, and believe, that we can know each other.

He is patient. And he learns my new ways. The ways he had only touched upon in that first year were scrambled, and he had to figure out how to learn this new version of me.

He is strong. And he fights on the days when I have no fight left in me. When my energy is taken up with getting up. Brushing my teeth. Showering.

I am less patient. But I too learn my new ways. I practice my skills acquired in therapy of realizing, although it may be my instinct to blame my husband for everything, it is not always his fault.

Together we are learning how to be married.

I am realizing that the wide, empty, unlit road we sped down that first night is a lot like marriage. There will be darkness. There will be glimpses. There will be unexpected twists and turns. And just as there is no one else on the road, there will be no one else like you, for each marriage is unique an individual.

I still fight to feel secure and safe.

Only now I help him along with an Amazon wish list or two. And am unspeakably content when he comes home with random books.

taken from yoshiko314’s flickr photostream

Each week I leave a short story or video blog here about where I saw love in action during the previous week.  Looking for love in the world around us inspires us to look for love everywhere - especially in our marriages.  Feel free to play along!!!

The past month has been very busy for me.  I am working more than I have in several years, and in addition, I am posting on this blog at least three times a week.  And while I love everything I am doing, I am just a little overcome by the new business!  The other day, I mentioned to Herb how fast my car has become trashed since living a busier lifestyle and making multiple wardrobe changes throughout the day.

Yesterday, I went to Dream Dinners to make some meals for Chad and Allison.  I asked Herb to go to a coffee shop while he waited for me (we went to breakfast first, so he just dropped me off to meet my friend Rachael at the meal place and had an hour or two to kill before picking me up).  My husband tends to set high standards for himself, and he does not like to rest or take care of himself (especially if he would have fun or enjoy the process) until he has met his self-imposed high standards.  This worries me.  So, I asked him to please find a newspaper and go enjoy a coffee for an hour and a half.  After we made the meals, Rachael dropped me off at Cafe Europa.  Herb had a coffee and a paper and was listening to music.

He seemed to have heeded to my request.  Then we walked outside.  My car was clean.  Before going to the coffee shop, Herb washed my car.  He vacuumed it.  He washed the mats.  And then, so as to avoid confusion about why he did it, he said, “I was hoping this was a really practical way of showing you that I love you today.”  Even his thoughtfulness in making that clarification was an act of love, because I have a tendency to interpret these kinds of things to mean, “You are so lazy and slow, so I had to do this FOR YOU or it would NEVER have gotten done!”  But that was no the case.  My man simply heard me as I worried about wondered aloud about how I would possibly get everything done this week, and he approached me in love by responding, “You don’t have to.  I can help.”

Where did YOU see love in action this week???

I picked a number between 1 and 9.

That number was 4.

Jody, you have won The New Rules of Marriage!

At first, I was like, “Bummer.   Jody and Chip have got this marriage thing in the bag.  They don’t need this book.”  BUT then I realized that is just silly.  We all can use a little new perspective from time to time.  So, enjoy the book Jody!

If you won a book last month, do not worry, you have not been forgotten!  I have had the stomach flu ALL WEEK and have not accomplished much that could not be done from my couch or bed and with a computer!  I have big plans to pack up those books tonight/tomorrow and mail them Monday morning.
Speaking of Monday morning, Herb and I leave for two weeks!  We are flying into London on Monday night and meeting  Rhi (for a second time) and Dan for the first!  Herb and I are so excited to spend 8 days with them in Wales and London!!!  So, what that means around here is that there will be all sorts of guest blogging going on!!! Depending on what our trip is like, perhaps I will be able to pop in during that time too!  Maybe I can even convince Herb and the Brits to do a video blog with me!   (That would be cool, but I doubt ANY of them would ever consent to such nonsense!!! AHHHH, but a girl can dream!)

Have a wonderful weekend!
Cara

from the flickr photostream of notquitealmost

”
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
- C.S. Lewis

Something I appreciate about people like C.S. Lewis and Mike Mason is that they had the foresight to tell their readers what love is.  What marriage is. So often, I stumble across books and conversations that tell me how to be married.  What to do.  But learning the actions, or even the attitude, of a healthy and happy wife does me little good if I don’t know what it is that I am doing.  If I don’t know what marriage is.  If I don’t know what love is.

All of us have had some part of our pre-married understanding of what marriage is shattered or at least challenged.  It is inevitable.  This break down in understanding and expectations is where a lot of us begin a downward spiral towards divorce.  If I don’t know what marriage is, then as my marriage is not meeting my expectations, I begin to assume it is all wrong.  My marriage, that is, not my expectations.  It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that our expectations are the base line and that if the marriage moves away from this base line, then something is dreadfully wrong.

But knowing what marriage actually is brings clarity and peace.  It does not make it easier, necessarily, but it does bring peace.  I am grateful for these words about vulnerability and love.  Because they allow me to make sense of what is happening in my life; in my marriage.  These words allow me to step back on a very hard day and say, “I feel this way because being vulnerable is gut-wrenching.  So this feeling has to do with being close to Herb.  It does not (necessarily) have anything to do with Herb himself or the marriage being an abomination!”

Knowing that vulnerability causes a strong reaction, I can step back and figure out what my unique reaction tends to be when I am feeling raw and open and at risk for being hurt.   From my perspective, vulnerability is the thing that could allow me to be completely loved.  Or destroyed. This doesn’t appeal to me.  So, instead of embracing it, I reject it.  In my life, vulnerability often gets passed over and unrecognized.  Because instead of realizing I am feeling vulnerable, I go right to anger.  I don’t like being exposed or fully seen.  If I am fully seen, what will he think?  And then, what will he do?  I have already answered that question in my mind: he will leave me.  So I become angry.  I feel angry.  I act angry.  And I assume it is because I can’t stand him.  Because I don’t like our life together.  Because I am miserable being his wife.  That is when I want to leave.  And for so long, I have mistaken it for hate.  When I become that angry, I feel like I hate him.  And so it seems logical that if I hate him, I should not be married to him.

But what I need is awareness of what is actually happening.  I don’t hate him.  I hate being seen by him.  Because I am scared. Scared he will leave me.  What I mistook for hate towards my husband is actually the opposite - I love him so much that the thought of loosing him or being left by him is more painful than anything I have ever experienced.   On my most sane days, I am able to take this information that I have gathered about how I respond to being vulnerable with Herb, and I can then try and make choices that build us up.  This is not to be mistaken as a big pink bow, tying up the delima, but rather a tattered map, giving a little bit of direction in the midst of a difficult journey.

How do you tend to experience vulnerability?  Share it here if you like.  But it is a personal question, so it makes sense if you choose not to.  But explore this idea somewhere.  With a friend.  In a journal.  On a wall with a can of spray paint (preferably a wall within your property line!).  It doesn’t really matter how you explore it . . .  but DO explore it… and see if what you find is as invaluable to you as it has been to me.

This next new addition to The MarriageMix is called Perspectives. I think it will be helpful to hear what many different people think about various topics related to love, intimacy, and marriage.

The four people featured this week will join us every Thursday for the entire month of March, answering various questions about their viewpoints on and experiences with marriage.

Jodie Allen: Chris and I were married in the fall of 2004 and live in St. Louis, MO where we grew up. Our three unexpected little gifts came in the packages of Bailey Smith Allen: 7.8.05, Parker Jane Allen: 11.18.06, and Grayson Richard Allen: 6.12.08.  As you can see, things get a little crazy around here sometimes.  Chris teaches high school biology (at Webster Groves High School) and coaches the boys and girls soccer teams (head varsity girls coach, asst varsity boys coach). When I am not manhandling our children, I run my own business, Jodified Photography+Design.  We are the 4th generation Kirkwood High School sweethearts in C’s family . . . we have been together since 1998.

Matt Whiteford: Matt is the childhood best friend of my husband and one of the funnier men I know.  Matt loves speaking to groups of people.  He might tell you it is because he likes the sound of his own voice, but the rest of us know he has something really important to say.  Matt works as a young adults pastor at a church in Michigan.  He has three kids with his wife and Spring Hill Camp sweetie, Sherri, to whom he was been married for 14 1/2 years.

Courtney Lynch: I  am a 31 year old woman living in Albuquerque, NM. I    have been married for 2 and 1/2 years. I work as a Professional Clinical Counselor at the Christian Counseling Center of New Mexico.  I graduated from college in 2000 with a BA in Religious Studies and I graduated in 2005 from Denver Seminary with a MA in Counseling.  I grew up in New Mexico in a small mountain town and attended the same school from elementary through high school. When I graduated from high school I wanted to travel the world and see new things.  Since then I have traveled to several countries and have participated in missions and ministries around the world.  My current favorite things in life are a hot cup of tea, hiking, backpacking, knitting, my dogs and relationships.  I am very close to my sister and continually learn to enjoy my relationship with my husband. I have many wonderful friends and a fantastic best friend that I count as close as a sister.  I am a strong Christian with fairly liberal political points of view.  I attend a large charismatic church in Albuquerque and think of my work as a ministry to children.

Dave Huff: My name is David Huff and I live in downtown Denver with my wife and 10 month old daughter Sydney.  That covers about 90% of my life right now… however, I suppose I do head out the door each morning and go to my family’s company where we produce large animal vaccines and instruments, the least of which happens to be a goat ejaculator, but that is the only product my friend’s seem capable of remembering.  Past that, I really enjoy dining out.  Its a remarkably pitiful hobby but one I seem to be good at.  I also enjoy a martini or three in the company of my friends. 

What have you learned about yourself through marriage?

Jodie: That I like things done my way. Especially once we had kids. I want Chris to do everything the way I do it, but not only that, I want him to know instinctually how I do things. It’s impossible.  I also have learned that I always want things even. We get stuck in the hole of keeping score. On any given day I can tell you how many loads of laundry I’ve done, how many dishes I’ve washed, how many butts I’ve wiped compared to him. It’s so sad really. And then when any kind of argument starts I somehow ALWAYS manage to bring up the fact that I’ve changed 34 poopy diapers this week to his 3. Which has nothing to do with the fight except that at the root of almost all of our fights is the fact that I feel under appreciated.

On a happier note, I’ve also learned that I love watching him pursue his passion. I always knew he was sexy, but watching him coach his team and guide young minds turns me on. Not in an actual SEX-way, but more in an “I’ve never been more proud to be his wife” way. I’ve also learned that although I love him as a father and sometimes feel love for him faster while watching him play with our kids, I do still love him for being him. I’m still in love with him.

And what I’m currently learning is that we constantly need time for us as a couple that is separate from our time as mommy and daddy. That time is crazy hard to come by, but now that we recognize this we’re working on carving out more time for each other as lovers and friends.

Matt: I am selfish, but that may be too easy because the only people who don’t realize that they are selfish when they get married are tools.  I have learned that I can love someone whether I like them at that moment or not.  Having kids has reinforced that lesson.

Courtney: I have learned that my independence can be a weakness in partnership - the very characteristic that I prided myself on and enjoyed while I was single.  I never expected nor wanted to give it up, until it began to corrode my relationship with my husband.  I have had to learn to balance independence with a healthy dependent partnership, otherwise I can come off as selfish and inconsiderate.
I have had to learn to respect a man.  Little did I know, as a good little Christian girl, that I had a REAL problem respecting any man.  I am still trying to learn this and work very hard at seeing the way a man thinks, feels and acts as significant and important.  My husband has had to deal with a lot of condensation and patronizing from me because of it.  Until I realized the root of my feelings, I did not realize that I was acting out of the generational curse of women in my family – disrespecting my partner.  I have to see the unique personality of my husband, the positive contributions he makes to our partnership and the wealth of talent, intelligence and wisdom he has to offer on a daily basis so I don’t screw up and treat him like a child.

Dave: I have held the belief for some time now that without the vulnerability we are exposed to in marriage, it is near impossible to understand some of our deepest wounds and issues.  Personally, I have discovered previously unnamed fears that revolve around how I see myself which can keep me from experiencing true intimacy in marriage.  Other relationships in life don’t necessarily require us to face our demons…. not that marriage guarantees it either, but if we are to achieve a healthy and thriving one, then somewhere along the line we will be forced to examine the names we have acquired over our lifetime (Unlovable, Worthless, Forgettable, Stupid, Unwanted, etc.) and re-learn our true identity.  Thus, I believe there is a process of dying to oneself in marriage that must occur before real intimacy can take place, the kind of intimacy which demands our vulnerability – hiding behind nothing and approaching our partner as our most honest selves.

How are you different than you were as a single person?

Jodie: Does fatter count? Or dirtier, considering I used to shower every day when I was single? No? Ok. I guess, sadly, the biggest thing that has changed since marriage is my relationship with the Lord. I hate to even write these words, but they are true. When I was single I would wake up early every morning and have quiet time at Bread Co before work. I would pray and read my Bible or do a study or something that started my day out with Him, helping me keep my day focused on Him. Since being married and having three children ages three and under before we’ve hit our fifth anniversary, I’ve fallen away in the closeness I used to feel with God. Pregnancy, babies, work, life, marriage, family, etc. have all twisted and pulled me but the real reason is myself. I’ve stopped giving up that time for Him. It is something I am currently trying desperately to remedy.

Matt: Honestly, I have no idea because I don’t remember life or what I was like before I was married.  Again, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t recognize much outside my immediate presence.

Courtney: I think that learning to “check in”, “think about someone else”, and “communicate” when I don’t feel like it have been the most obvious behavior changes.  Also, I have found that I am connected to a person like I have never been – I can’t quite explain it….I miss him when he is gone, I find that I depend on him for certain opinions and tasks, and, my God, I think I am learning to need someone!