It is not a secret that Herb and I have both thought about ending our marriage on occasion.   For me, this normally takes place during a massive argument, when my brain feels like somebody poured a bag full of flaming hamsters in there.  As the little rodents are tumbling and bumbling around, all I can think of over the sound of their piercing squeaks is: “Get me out of here - NOW!!!”.  Once the hamsters find their way to a  watering hole and extinguish the flames, this line of thinking is quickly quenched as well.  Then we begin the cycle of reuniting and as I slowly regain my sense of balance, I remember that there are few places I would rather be than with my man.

In much scarier moments (or sometimes entire seasons of life), the desire to leave our marriage and start over in my own little studio apartment with a sunny yellow kitchen pops up out of the blue.  On these occasions, I feel my body filling with fear.  Partly because there is not an argument to explain these feelings, thereby convincing me (for at least a moment) that my heart actually desires to leave my marriage.  A great deal of the fear is rooted in the fact that I don’t even like the color yellow for a kitchen!   When living with a yellow kitchen is preferable to the life I am leading now, I know I am discontent.  And that makes me sad.  

There have been a few points that stand out in our marriage that would leave both of us “justified” in the eyes of our friends and families if we left.  Oddly, these are not any of the reasons I would actually leave.  There is not a specific instance or circumstance that would motivate me to leave.  No, if I packed my bags and left a note, it would simply read this:

“Dear Herb,

I love you, but this is  just is not what I wanted for my life.  

Please forgive me.

Love, Cara”

 

For all of the things that I love (and like) about my husband and who we are as a team, it is not everything that I was hoping for out of love.  I want more romance.  And fewer awkward pauses when we are talking on the phone .  We have been together for almost five years - why the awkward pauses, I don’t know.  I want more passion in the bedroom and less passion in our arguments.  I want to go on more hikes.  This one is especially humorous because I have chronic back pain, and have no business hiking.  And yet, I envision fit and trim versions of Herb and Cara, trotting through the woods on a Sunday afternoon, clothed in all sorts of high tech fabrics made for hiking.  We are eating turkey sandwiches and enjoying the view at the summit of a difficult mountain.  What we have is good.  But we don’t have this.  And at least a part of me wants this.

People leave marriages for so many reasons.  Sometimes, leaving has to do with something big that the pair just can’t figure out how to get around.  But I have a suspicion that there are legions of people who, when you strip back the circumstantial reasons, simply left because it was not what they had hoped for.  And it is very easy to convince yourself that if it is not what you wanted, then it was a mistake.  Looking at it this way, it is no wonder we have such a high divorce rate - we live in a culture that simply embraces correcting our “mistakes” and moving on in order to be true to ourselves.

But I have to believe there is another way, a third path.  So I find myself in an interesting sort of “middle place” (to borrow the term from Kelly Corrigan).  I am committed to my marriage and yet, I long for it to be different.  So, is this my exit point?  For some, perhaps many, an unwavering “YES” might resound.  But for me, I believe in something else.  This middle place is often uncomfortable, but it is not powerful enough to make me back away from our marriage.

I stay because if I slow down long enough to pay attention to our daily rhythm, I can see how many things are not just good in our marriage, but actually delightful and full of love.  If I focus on the fact that it is not what I wish it was, I completely miss out on how much I enjoy what it actually is.

I stay because I believe things grow and morph and evolve.   Like an infant that is a mere reflection of who it actually is and what it will become, I choose to trust that our marriage is only just beginning to unfold.   And if for no other reason, I am much too curious to walk away now.  I want to know who and what we will become.  I want to stay in this middle place and see what it might bring about.

(Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.  If you saw something here that you liked, hated, or related to, I would love to hear your thoughts!)