When compared to my marriage, all other relationships seem so one dimensional. Even the deepest of friendships have boundaries at which point, if crossed, one says, “I can go no further.” If a friend said something hurtful to me, I would probably take a step back. I might eventually step towards them again. I might not. It would depend on what they said and what our friendship was like before hand. I might continue in the relationship, but build a wall between us, to protect myself. At the end of the day, keeping myself safe in my relationships often takes precedence over the relationship itself. Sometimes that means allowing a friendship to dwindle away in an attempt to be safe.
But marriage is different. You have something larger than yourselves keeping you attached to one another. While there are some obvious boundaries violations after which personal safety must take precedence, in general, there are things that can happen in a marriage that might destroy most other relationships. There are so many nuances to the relationship. In addition to husband and wife, there is a third, mysterious element present. It is the marriage itself - the thing that is created by her and him, coming together and creating something that only exists when they are together.
At first, it is like a tender green shoot, alarming us all by coming up out of nothing but dirt after a long, harsh winter. Fragile and frail, it must be protected. Over time, I suspect, this third element becomes stronger and less vulnerable. I like to believe that eventually it becomes so strong that its participants develop super-hero-like powers. I am convinced that during year five we will finally be able to start reading each others minds. Think of the minutes we would save on our cell phone plan! On paper that would be the coolest. In reality, as one who spends the entire day in my own mind, I would never wish that upon anyone and especially not Herb. Maybe I will start wishing for the ability to fly instead.
Mind-reading aside, I have observed that despite its need for protection, the new marriage is surprisingly resilient. Not only that, it has the ability to move me in ways I would never move myself. I have found myself heeding to its siren call, on more than one occasion, to step closer to my husband in times of distress, rather than walking away. As a result, I close my eyes and with desperation and reckless abandon, fling myself towards Herb in ways that leave me questioning my general sanity and ability to operate large machinery.
This week, Herb found himself questioning me and my ability to follow through with the things I begin. As we were discussing this, he said things that left me stunned and wounded. Looking back, most of these things were said out of his own fears and wounds. There was truth spun into his words as well. I spent half the night licking my wounds and the next day in emotional triage. On the third day, I became angry. I looked for ways to hurt him. I threatened to stay home this week while he goes to visit family on the east coast. But with this third element pushing me closer to him, I had to laugh as I showed him all of my cards, “If I stay home, will THAT make you understand how bad you hurt me?”
As I left my shell of a body sitting in a heap on the only sunny spot of the kitchen floor, I hovered above myself, looking down with disgust. As I observed myself taking a verbal wrecking ball to any semblance of safety and self-defense, I thought, “NO! What are you DOING? Do NOT ask him THAT? Do NOT tell him why you are going to stay home. Just make him pay for it! Make him suffer!”
And yet, I am a goner when it comes to my marriage. As much as I long to push Herb away sometimes, it is impossible to push too hard or for too long. For better or worse, with Herb, I am invested in something that is larger than him and larger than myself. I am married not just to him, but more importantly, to the relationship itself. And so while I might try to keep myself safe, and push him away, in the end, I am undone by the power of belonging to something greater than myself - something that only exists when I remain close to the man I married.
Since this blog is all about finding hope that marriages can work (that our generation does not have to follow in the statistical footsteps of our parents) it is my hope to get the word out about this blog, so we can create more and more encouraging, hopeful conversations about love and marriage.
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